“Do You Plan on Having Any Kids?” Asks Friend Who Clearly Knows You Sleep On An Air Mattress

By Brisa Sylvestre | July 31, 2023

AMHERST, Mass. — Your friend once again asked if you plan to ever have children, like you’re not reeling with insane costs of living, an overall bleak attitude for the future, and the fact you sleep on a glorified rubber raft, sources confirmed.

“Honestly, why would anyone in the world want kids at this point? She knows I have no way to support anyone other than myself, in fact she even helped me move my one-person air mattress into my new place in June after I promised her a pizza coupon, a couple IPAs and an IOU. I don’t know what other ‘definitely no kids’ cues she needs,” you said while eating your third Easy Mac today. “I pay literally half my income to a landlord, I have 100k in student loans, and I’ll probably die from some sort of climate apocalypse. I cannot stress enough how much kids aren’t an option.”

According to your friend Lisa McGowan, she initially made the offending comment when reaching for small talk topics.

“I don’t own an air mattress myself, in fact, I sleep on a real bed with 1500 thread count sheets. And I have kids because I can afford to and by the time things get really bad, I’ll be dead. It came naturally to ask ‘so any plans for children yet?’” McGowan reiterated as she realized she has nothing in common with you. “Oh, and I didn’t mean an air mattress wasn’t a real bed, it’s just that…well, yeah. That is what I meant. Sorry. Do you need like, mental help or something?

Economist Ted Winters was not surprised to hear of this uneasy exchange providing more insight into the mentality of most people in their 30s.

“Millennials are perpetually stuck at a figurative age of a 22-year-old college student saddled with debt,” noted Winters. “Sleeping on an air mattress is a clear indication that one is ‘adulting sans kids’ but not quite in the ‘actually functional’ stage of their life just yet. The pizza coupons are another dead giveaway. Overall, they’re definitely a resilient group adapting from the basement of their parents’ fully-owned homes to air mattresses and the like. They’ve also swapped any possibility of kids for ‘fur babies,’ as these are less expensive and usually a lot nicer.”

At press time, McGowan watched you request a rideshare to bring you and your mattress to the nearest gas station to fill up with air as you reminded her of how she carelessly dropped it during the move.